2 weeks notice

back "home"

2005-11-06T15:53:00.000+08:00

im back 'home'... im feeling the most down ive been in a long time... ive juz had the most awesome wk for the longest time... and i wont be able to go back again for around a yr... can i survive?? can i get thru??

anyway i thank all u readers of my blog... its not been the best decision in my life to start one... and ive already given my 2 wks notice... i wont be writing this any more... my pain is mine to bear...:) nah... i juz dont feel like i should continue this thing... if u really want to know what im thinking and stuff like that... talk to me... i dont mind... most times....

email add: the_alpha_nut@yahoo.com.au

God bless u
Nut

home is where the heart is...

2005-10-28T21:20:00.000+08:00

i cant believe it... im going home in a couple of days... a 7 month reward? maybe... ive still got a long way to go tho... so much to do so little time... i want to see old, familier faces (not that my friends hv old faces.... i think u know what i mean)... be in my 'hood... enjoying everything that is known to me as home... comfort... security... shelter... love... friendship... home...

i'm going down..... down to down under!!!

2005-10-23T18:29:00.000+08:00

i cant believe this... but it is actually happening... i managed to get some leave and will be going back to perth for a wk!!! this will be the first time in 7 months that i will actually get to sleep in my own bed... in my own room... in my own house.... with my own family and friends.... u can tell im elated.... well.... duh.... woudnt u be if u were me??

happy birthday...

2005-10-13T12:30:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me-ee
happy birthday to me

another year gone... another year past... how many more will there be??

life goes on... and on...

2005-10-02T15:59:00.000+08:00

6 and a half months down... ive got another 17 and a bit months left... the countdown is really moving along... ive been thinking about what ive managed to accomplish the past half yr... i dont really know how to rate myself... the failures have been mixed with the occasional success... do i pass?? or do i fail?? well... no matter what the score life is still moving on... and ive got to keep telling myself to look towards a goal... or goals... i dont really know what to aim for...

at least for the first time in my life ive managed to start a christian thing... a bit of history... ive tried... and failed twice at starting christian grps in my sec school in s'pore and in my high school in perth... well... as i mentioned... both flopped for some reasons.... so when i thot about starting one in camp i was not very confident... but somehow i didnt feel too apprehensive as well.... i would like to thank a bunk mate tho... he was constantly 'nagging' at me to do something about it... he didnt let me let go of this thing... so we had our first meeting... and hopefully it will be the first of many to come... c'mon God... u can do something thru this....

WA YOUTH ALIVE SONG

2005-10-01T09:11:00.000+08:00

Take Over by Chad Blondel

My eyes are wet from tears

This world just seems too hard to take

I'm losing control

My soul feels dead inside

These wounds could never be erased

Can someone make me whole?

Look into my eyes and see

You mean more than life to me

Let me be the warer to your soul

It's in you that I can

Take this life by the hands

And shine You for all to see

My life is in your hands

I'm not my own I'm your's now

Take over me

You call e from the fire

You breathe your life into my lungs

Now I will never be the same

The screams that tortured my soul

Your words of love have now replaced

You have made me whole

honestly.... is that the best policy??

2005-09-25T15:22:00.000+08:00

life seems to be like a dance of politics... everyone tries to get the upper hand without seeming to do so... uve got to say and do the right thing... even tho sometimes it goes against what u believe in... u tango with lies, and waltz at the line between right and wrong...

i try hard to get out of this... i hate dancing... literally...:) but this dance of life almost seems unavoidable at times... truth and honesty hv been decipated to the dirt, grounded into dust... perhaps pple are scared of the truth... i know i m...

the truth is that ive got very little to no control over my life or what happens everyday.... the truth is that i cannot be sure of my future... the truth is that sometimes bad things can happen.... and the truth is that sometimes lies are a lot more comforting...

i hate being out of control... i hate it when bad stuff comes my way... but i know that God is in control of everything... including my puny, insignificant life... i dont hv to lie to God to comfort myself... i know that he can take me for who i m... in fact he is probably the onli one who can accept me totally for who i m... and he is the onli one who can change me... so no matter how i feel in His presence... the dirt.. the rubbish... the smallnest.. the insignificance... i can still stand tall in His presence becoz im His son... AND THAT'S THE TRUTH

superman

2005-09-20T10:26:00.000+08:00

Superman

By Five For Fighting

I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naive

I'm just out to find

The better part of me

I'm more than a bird...I'm more that a plane

More than some pretty face beside a train

It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry

Fall upon my knees

Find a way to lie

About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd...but don't be naive

Even heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed...but won't you concede

Even heroes have the right to dream

It's not easy to be me

Up, up ahead...away from me

It's all right...you can all sleep sound tonight

I'm not crazy...or anything...

I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naive

Men weren't meant to ride

With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet

Digging for kryptonite on this one-way street

Only a man in a funny red sheet

Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me

damage control...

2005-09-19T08:43:00.000+08:00

'houston.. we have a problem...' 'medic!!!!! im in need of medical attention'

im doing a bit of damage assessment and trying to explain myself.... you see a little SQUIRREL told me that there has been a few rumours flying around becoz my blog seems to like to deal with the topic of love, and pple hv inferred that that indicates that i might be in love, or even worse, in love with someone who is already in a relationship. this has troubled me greatly i must say.

i write with careless abandon. i dont think about who is reading this blog at all. what i try to do at this blog is to explore the human mind, the psyche, the wondrous maze of thots and emotions. and i pen them down... or type them down in this case... and i love exploring the topic of love becoz it is most prevalent in society... love permeates every facet of our lives on earth... i juz checked... the word 'friendship' has roots based on love as well... but love is a very strong force.... it can control what a person does becoz of the rush of emotions it can bring about in a person... i decided to explore love as it applies to my life... i decided to write about it... and a few pple hv concluded that im in love.... sure i m... with God... with friends...

but there is no special person. i cannot understand how some pple have thot that im currently liking someone who is already in a relationship especially... and i would normally not care about that becoz i dont feel like i need to do any explaining... but somehow i feel i should this time round... i wrote about my heart being broken.... well.. whose heart hasnt... it is NOT becoz i like someone who has 'left' me (altho no one has been 'with' me) for someone else... sigh... im beginning to understand how to have a friendship with a girl without thinking 'could this be the one?? could there be something here?' and i sure dont want to ruin that...

friends... God is love... we are made in His image... meaning that we could pretty much be beings of love to some extent... i love... but my love is a friendship type of love... nothing more... but nothing less as well... i cant afford a relationship at this moment... not for a couple of yrs... not becoz of money, but becoz of situation.... please just let me be a friend

inviting controversy....

2005-09-17T21:41:00.000+08:00

i heard that someone had posted a question on his blog asking what do u think is the acceptable age for dating... as one who loves a gd debate (which means a debate that i win...) i readily accept the challenge to put forward a view on this issue...

i dont think that a specific age should be put on this... i dont think the church needs more regulations... its already quite complicated.... but i think this question asks for maturity and a little soul searching... i think that a person should start dating when:

1. he/she is ready for marraige (ie long term commitment)
2. others who can be trusted think that he/she is ready for a relationship

i think that fooling around and drifting between relationship to another relationship is plan detrimental to a person.... everytime one cuts off a relationship i believe that they will leave carrying some baggage no matter how 'clean' the break was... i think that 2 pple should not get together on the simple basis that they like each other... i believe this becoz i dont think feelings last very long at all... heck... i liked a different girl every year in secondary school.... does that mean that i get together with that girl till the sun sets on the feelings?? i would be a casanova... scum... i think that it should be based on where they can go together, arm in arm.... of course u would take in to account the feeling bit... but i think that should onli be the spark that makes u consider issues like compatibility, dreams, even pratical things like finance and so on... so the feelings make u think this girl/guy could be the one... then using that as a springboard i would consider whether the girls personality and character would suit me... then i would think will i be able to provide for her at this moment... is the timing right or should i wait.... stuff like that....

if i give a big tick to all of that i would go to someone i know will give me an honest answer and ask... do u think that she could be the one for me?? am i ready for this?? if u are serious about being THE ONE for the person u think could be urs, then u would really look to establish where u stand....

i hope that all this makes sense... im writing this when im quite tired.... but im quite passionate about this topic... give me ur views please... i know many pple reading this are already in a relationship... i dont mean to make u angry or ask u to break up... but please consider what ive said... dont ruin urself for the right person who will come at the right time... but after reading all ive said and u think ur right... then i wish u all the best....:) honest i do...:)

clarification....

2005-09-17T21:35:00.000+08:00

well... since ive been asked a few questions ALOT of times... i thot mebbe i should put a post to help me answer all u inquisitive pple....

item no. 1 on my list: am i in love/ do i or did i have a girlfriend...

i would have to say 'no' to both... unfortunately...:) nah not really... im not ready for a relationship... maybe a couple of years down the road... i dont plan to be a bachelor... sure i might have feelings for that someone i feel is 'special'... but i hv tried to put that aside and concentrate on getting thru the next yr and a half... and no... i hv never had a girlfriend... which may not come as a surprise to a few... altho i would like to add in my defence that a few girls find me... i quote ' sweet'... whether i would like to be considered sweet or not is a totally different matter... something i could tackle another day....

no. 2: is my sis getting married...

not anytime soon.... she has to wait till i get back so that i can organise the whole thing for her (dont know what she would do without me...:) ) hope that answers ur question... to be more exact... it wont be for another couple of yrs ....

roll call...

2005-09-13T13:47:00.000+08:00

CALLING ALL YOUNG PEOPLE ACROSS THE WORLD... THE WORLD NEEDS US... IT NEEDS US TO STOP STANDING AND STARING... TO GET OFF OUR COUCHES AND COMFORT ZONE... TO GET OUT THERE AND REACH OUT... REACH OUT TO THE LONELY, THE HELPLESS, THE NEEDY... TO REACH OUT TO THE LOST MASSES..

what are u going to do today that's gonna make a difference?

to mr/ms/mrs. anonymous

2005-09-13T13:33:00.000+08:00

wow... my first anonymous comment... priviledged to hv u reading my blog...

hm... let me be a little detective here.... from ur comment... i can guess that u could be one or more of the following:
1. you hv had ur heart broken
2. u are interested in my life

if u are the second, thanks a lot...:) nice to hv someone concerned about me... but if u are no.1 then im sorry for u... if u are looking for advice... im not sure im the right person to talk to...

for one... im not experienced in relationships... let me count the number ive had... erm... let me see.... the count stands at.... zero... zilch... zippo.... great huh... sure ive had a few crushes... a few girls i really liked... but i think im contented being single for the moment... the night is still young my friend... and so am i...:) i think relationships are a thing to be treasured... to be cherised... and not to be rushed in... i think that relationships ought not to be a fad... a phase... or a need.... that's y im still single... and im saving heaps of money becoz of that...:)

i know i hvnt answered ur question... hv i had my heart broken?? i would hv to say yes... when i left singapore for perth... it was broken... when i left perth for singapore... it broke again.... when i saw the girl i liked with another guy... it was broken... when a friend turned from God... it was broken... but God picked up the broken pieces and i continue walking....

but i wonder about God... when he sees the unwanted child dumped by the side of the street... His heart is broken... when he sees the young man turning to drugs... his heart is broken... when he sees the young woman going thru her 20 relationship looking for someone to love her... his heart is broken... when he sees another life going to waste... his heart is broken.... but there's no one to pick up the pieces for Him... i wish i could... but im wallowing in enuff stuff to last me a lifetime...

2005-09-11T14:50:00.000+08:00

so it seems...

2005-09-11T14:31:00.000+08:00

so it seems like i will be continuing this blog... so it seems that there is life after ur heart is broken.... so it seems half the things we do on earth are pointless... or so it seems... am i being cynical here? perhaps... perhaps...

what does 'blog' stand for anyway?? just another cute word? let me have a go at this 'word'... 'beautiful language on goo'? or maybe 'bambi lost operational gas-control'? well maybe life doesnt always have to mean anything... so it seems that life can be quite pointless... for example running 12 km on an early sunday morning because u are made to (just some random example i picked up from the air)... but perhaps we dont always have to understand it to enjoy it...

i dont understand the point of me doing national service... i dont even feel singaporean.... but i can still enjoy whatever i can...for example comparatively cheap movie prices... and i bet ive lost a bit of flab with all the exercise i have to do... and of course... friends.....

i still remember that i once told me mom that i dont need to treasure friendship becoz i shouldnt store up treasures on earth but in heaven.... cute huh... but i guess friendship is the one treasure that u can bring up to heaven.... looking forward to seeing all of u there...:)

my life's beginning and end...

2005-09-04T17:20:00.000+08:00

to all of u reading this, i love u...

thot i would do something random... my life begins on friday night, and it ends on sunday in the evening... i get resurrected slowly, and it is onli complete when i walk out of camp on friday.... i live for the wkends... i honestly do... i realize how much i missed church life onli recently when i started getting involved once again... last yr was a dream when i was in chruch nearly everyday bcoz of bible college... but this yr it has been limited to the wkends...

then there's the thing about church friends.... well if u are a YMMer who i know, a big thank u... u help me get thru the wk... its weird.... everytime i hv to go back to camp now, it is almost like im leaving perth all over again. as in i leave behind friends in one world becoz im entering another.

someone asked me whether it was harder leaving singapore to go to perth or leaving perth to singapore... in all honesty i would hv to say it was perth.... but in a yr and half i think its going to be equally hard...

i never knew the power of friendship until recently. to all the friends in the world.... cheers!!

so much for my happy ending...

2005-09-03T10:16:00.000+08:00

been thinking a bit about love and the whole deal about it... does love really make the love go round?? i learned in bible college that love is not an emotion but more of a choice... of course love brings emotions of euphoria and stuff like that... but i do honestly believe that it is a choice...

so what if i feel that i love someone? i hv to make the choice whether it is in the best interests of all to make a move... so what if ive lost all feelings to my wife (in the hope that i do get one)? ill hv to make the choice to find it again? is love worth it?? why should that one word capture the hearts of so many?? why should it be in my thoughts every night and every day??

maybe because it really makes the world go round... all for love a saviour came... all for a love a saviour prayed, "abba father have your way... thought they know not what they do... let the cross draw man to you"...

will i be able to love humanity the way God does??? i hope one day i will

doodley do dah doodley day

2005-09-03T10:10:00.000+08:00

apparantly pple DO read this blog... amazed at how bored some pple can be... not like im interesting or anything... mebbe i should tell more pple that ive got some intelligence left in me and the army hasnt brainwashed me enuff...

dunno why im feeling pretty chirpy today... unlike some pple i know of... let me do a quick check... nope ive taken my depression pills... erm... nope... not love... hm... what could it be?? mebbe its juz that i consider myself one of the lucky few humans on the earth who actually likes to enjoy life and laughing at all my mistakes... u can tell that i laugh alot then...am i making any sense?? i dunno... HAHA...

im going back to camp on monday... i might juz keep this blog... two weeks work and 5 posts... and achievement....

think think...

2005-08-24T20:13:00.000+08:00

been thinking... is life really a curse or a blessing?? i guess most pple would go for the blessing option becoz it seems a whole lot more optimistic... but honestly, life does seem to present a ot more thorns than roses, and ladies, im not talking about the good looking and the ugly... ur all beautiful...:) but anyway... problems do seem to be a very common occurance in everyday life. for instance, during public riding in the bike course, my instructor tells me nearly everyday how close i was to dying... :) oh well...

but i thot it thru, and i would still like to say that life is a blessing. without life i wouldnt be able to see the happy smiles of children, the wonders of nature, the joy of music, the company of friends, and most importantly, the awesomeness of God. (i made up 'awesomeness'... dont try checking a dictionary)... well? what do u think?

my song...

2005-08-22T20:42:00.000+08:00

the song i wrote for the special occasion of leaving perth for singapore (and the army):

I sense a change, something's different
life will never be the same
The page has been turned
and i see my future takes me away from you

and ill remember the times we spent together
and ill never forget
how much you hv meant to me

the look on your face
the smile in your eyes
forever imprinted on my mind
the love you have shown me
a friendship i treasure
and ill shed my tears for you

i know ill be back one day
i coule never stay away forever
ill be counting the seconds till im back into your arms

and its ar to say goodbye
i will never want to go
but one thing i ask
is that u treasure me
in your heart

dont ask me to sing it to you.... it will be a miracle if i ever take this out again....

number 1...

2005-08-22T20:33:00.000+08:00

who am i? im not so sure myself... i used to be... but not anymore... the more i know the less i understand... sorry for all the cliches... but isnt life juz one big cliche? they follow the fads in life...( like im following the current fad for blogging... ) and it becomes... well.... used and cliched.... so i try to live my life different... then i ask myself why should i be "different" when "different" is not easy? blah blah blah...

well... that aside... im a NS boy by birth, not by choice... ive got a couple of wks of staying out so i thot mebbe ill see whats so interesting about this blogging thingy... so yeah... it might juz go on for 2 wks.... hence '2 wks notice'... if ur lucky i might continue on... if not... please ENJOY!!!!

the_alpha_nut